28/05/2026

well there is nothing really to show. I just want to let you know that I think I had been destroying myself recently, I have been staying at my room a lot, I hadn't gone to the gym, woken up late after hours on end scrolling reels, masturbated more than a moderate amount, spent my days lying around doing close to nothing. Probably the reasons I did all those things are the newfound feeling of isolation from my loved ones, along with the logical thinking of staying at home would prevent me from spending more money than I could spend in a day, the pessimistic perspective of what I am doing as useless (my project is not going well), and ultimately the fact that I couldn't really construct my everyday habit towards a daily step closer to my goals. I feel like nothing I do could make me go towards what I want you know. For example, I want to create foundational software or a harness that agents could thrive but I feel like being able to do that seems a bit way over my head, I want to have a girlfriend but I tried asking pretty girls I found on coffee places out and I even tried dating app, but the closest I got was 1 date with a girl but I dont think I will have a second date after that. So ultimately I am running a train with so many cabins but I may have lost the steering wheel or the train might have derailed. So today, I said fuck it and just did what I felt like doing, I booked a cab for me to go to the gym, went out on two restaurants and ordered steak twice, watched some movies and video games videos, and just now I wanted to talk to you so I am right now. And evenn though doing all those things didnt get me closer to my goals but they felt good and I actually wanted to think about the technology visions again so I did, so I guessed doing the things I wanted seemed to let my head thinking about the things I like thinking about. So maybe I do want to take your advice and just enjoy along the way but I already know that some day I am just gonna revert back to who I am and wanting to control every aspect of my life again and get depressed again, the cycle kinda continues but I am enjoying the days in my life when I feel moderately happy. Have you ever had one of these feelings?